


Where soft places dwell and hard edges blister

by SilkCut



Series: Snapshots [5]
Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: First Time, First of Everything, Lose and Gain, M/M, Smut, Wishes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-14 16:40:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4571892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilkCut/pseuds/SilkCut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kimihiro Watanuki had always been adamant about hating Shizuka Doumeki, so he doesn't understand why, on one terrible day, he propositioned the other boy for sex. And leave it to Doumeki to turn a supposedly one-night stand into a full-blown love affair. </p><p>Now both begin to lose themselves in the complications of intimacies, only to understand the great gravity and importance of choices both made and unmade.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ivelostmyspectacles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivelostmyspectacles/gifts).



> I strongly believe that hitsuzen brought us together...
> 
> This might be the first piece of the series that will have a happier ending than the rest.
> 
> Closely tied to the previous installment _Quiet_.

 

 

 

  


 

**198: Suddenly**

* * *

 

 

 

 

They sat across each other inside the old family library. An empty and rectangular container of food laid bare between them, serving as a rather innocuous barrier. Resting cross-legged, Watanuki breathed in, held it for three seconds, and then breathed out. His cheeks felt hot. He was feverish and quite possibly insane but didn't dare look away. His stare was that of a coward finally summoning the courage to face up to his opponent. The other man in question was a statue of patience, gazing almost emptily at Watanuki with that annoyingly unsmiling mouth. He had both steady hands on his lap while Watanuki's own have formed into fists, clutched together so tightly that the nails are digging into his palms.

Watanuki welcomed the slight pain. It distracted him from his utter embarrasment, long enough to pose the question again. "So what now? Are you just going to sit there and say nothing, you heartless jerk?" His voice sounded shrill in his ears. He hated that. He hated every minute of this prolonged torment.

Doumeki spoke up. "If you're willing."

"Bastard," Watanuki vehemently spat out. "I was the one who suggested it, didn't I? Now stop being coy."

"Hn," Doumeki grunted the syllable so casually if not dismissively that Watanuki almost made a move to take off one of his slippers and throw it at the idiot's face but stopped himself.

Doumeki openly watched Watanuki's delicately bright red face while perfectly disguising his keen interest over this twist of circumstances. He was nervous as hell, if he's going to be honest, and it's a feeling so unfamiliar to him. He doesn't even get nervous during archery competitions. But, then again, Watanuki had always had that effect on him; always able to make him feel things that aren't supposed to be there let alone preserved. Doumeki could watch Watanuki all day long--for the rest of his natural life, even. The boy is so utterly beautiful right now, blushing and stalling and trying to snark his way out of this predicament he created.

"You know," Doumeki remarked, measuring his words, "the delicious meal was a good first step," he nodded at the container between them. "Now I think this is the part where you're going to have to seduce me with something other than food."

Watanuki's blush deepened. He could feel the heat around his ears now and at the back of his neck. Nausea and arousal tugged and pulled at each other within his psyche. He expected the nausea. Never in his life did he ever proposition anyone for sex before; especially someone like Doumeki. Of course he's bound to vomit a little in his mouth because, well, it's Doumeki.

And he suddenly has the urge--nay, the atrocity, to have sex with him.

The arousal that followed after that stellar revelation, however, was entirely a shocking thing. Watanuki had never even fancied a boy before. There was really only Himawari whom he adored, and his infatuation with her has cooled down a lot lately. For some reason, the attraction switched towards the next closest person and that's Doumeki. The stupid, insensitive and ugly jerk. Watanuki doesn't understand why it had to be Doumeki again, why somehow all the paths lead to him; how they both manage to find a way together. He's given up on trying to make sense of this goddamn hitsuzen though.

"Just get to the part where you reject me so we can pretend this whole thing never happened, okay!?" Uh-oh, he's in panic mode again. Why does this dumbass jerk always bring out the worst in him?!

Doumeki would not forget this, considering it's the first honest conversation they ever had about the incomprehensible bond and baffling gravitational pull between them. Often Doumeki would look at Watanuki without his knowledge (either from a distance when they're at school or when they're walking side by side together) and wonder why he even bothers trying to take care of him or be a part of his life. Watanuki talks and acts like Doumeki is a plague of some sort, like friendship will never be possible between them. Some days, Doumeki admits to himself that it hurts.

But Watanuki will never know. Doumeki would lick his wounds quietly than risk pushing Watanuki away if the other boy ever finds out that he's causing pain and grievance. Loud and prickly as he is, Watanuki doesn't want to hurt anybody, and he would never forgive himself if he did, even if it's only by accident. So Doumeki has decided to take the insults that come flying his way, comforting himself with the fact that it may be Watanuki's only way to express affection.

Until today, Doumeki was content with that arrangement. Until today he never even considered anything amorous to happen between the two of them, let alone sex. And yet that was exactly what Watanuki requested. Doumeki couldn't say anything at this moment because he wasn't sure, for the first time, about what he wanted--if he even wanted that type of relationship with Watanuki. Is he prepared to give it? How would that change things from then on? Will Watanuki learn to trust him afterwards? Or would it further alienate him?

"You really live up to your name, you know," Watanuki exhales again. He wished he never said a damn thing about this in the first place. He should have just found a way to distract himself. There are more productive things to pay attention to than foolishly attempt sexual congress with someone--especially when that someone is Doumeki.

"I wouldn't exactly mind."

"What?" Watanuki is done with this conversation already. He was about to stand up now but Doumeki continued.

"If we have sex."

Watanuki tensed up. His entire body suddenly felt foreign to him. He sat back down and never raised his eyes at the other man as he spoke. "I might have eaten something rotten. Maybe Yuuko-san spiked my water earlier. Maybe I'm under a spell. Maybe the world is ending and this is the first sign of catastrophe. In any case, let's get past it and never talk about it ever again. Besides, how would sex work between men anyway? So forget about it."

"Sex can and had worked between two men before, you know."

"I SAID FORGET ABOUT IT!" Watanuki stood up fully and turned around so he can walk out of the door. The room was suffocating him.

Doumeki slowly unfolded his limbs beneath him and got up. He followed Watanuki but kept his distance. The other boy walked away by stomping his feet like a child who was denied of what he wants. Doumeki was about to internally laugh at that, but was reminded that Watanuki had been orphaned at a young age, had no other choice but to look after himself now that there is no one else to do it. Doumeki thought about how difficult, how frightening it must be whenever the other boy wanted something from people, let alone ask for it, and remembered the harsh and inexhaustible ways Watanuki had told him off while he continued his whole charade of name-calling and lunch-making in the aftermath of Doumeki doing something to keep him from harm. Doumeki recalled his discomfort, the sad resignation, the resistance--all the little ways Watanuki tried to make Doumeki stopped caring and stop risking his life for his sake.

But, in the end, Watanuki's efforts were in vain because Doumeki, still eager and determined to stay by his side, never left. And never will.

"Wait," Doumeki called out.

Watanuki turned, sharply, with a grimace on his face. "What now?"

"Can we talk about this again?"

"HELL NO!"

"I'll be staying later at archery practice tomorrow. We can talk after. Could you wait for me?"

"NO!"

Doumeki took a step forward. Watanuki recoiled from the spot as if burned, his eyes wide. Ignoring his reaction, Doumeki said. "I'll see you then, okay?"

Watanuki opened his mouth, probably to protest once more, but closed it again. He simply growled in frustration and walked off out of the temple.

 

**xXx**

 

"Hey,"

"…"

"I was, uh, wondering.."

"Yeah?"

"Just throwing it out there, okay?"

"Sure."

"I think--well, I don't know. But I want to…I mean, maybe I'm just curious. But there's this nagging feeling lately. I don't know how to tell you..if I could even--if I dare.."

"Stop rambling. Just say it."

"Look--!"

"What?"

"You--I mean…I think I want to have sex!"

"…"

"You're an idiot. Stop looking at me like that. We're teenagers, okay? We have hormones and shit! That's normal, right? Am I not allowed to be normal?!"

"Sure. But why tell me?"

"BECAUSE!"

"What?"

"I think it's with you.."

"What about me?"

"The sex. I think..I want to have sex. And, uh, with you. I want to do…try it..the sex. UGHHH. I mean! Look, I think I want to have sex with you--fuck!"

"…!"

"Ugh."

"!!"

"I know. Gross."

"…?"

"So I'm going to start puking right now."

"…"

"So you better get away if you don't want to get caught in the trajectory or something."

"Right."

 

**xXx**

 

Watanuki really, _really_ did not plan to wait for Doumeki. He didn't want to further implicate himself in this weird situation that he should best forget now. And yet the curiosity was unbearable. A tainted part of him would like to know why Doumeki wanted to meet with him, and what he has to say about the ordeal. Another part of him, the sane one, has made a decision to hear what he has to say but readily start the process of amnesia once the conversation wraps up. Really, they were both at fault here.

Watanuki never would have felt this way all of a sudden if it wasn't...for that. ..incident.

He let out a frustrated growl which called attention to himself as he sat there in the hallway beside the door of the archery club's room. He didn't care anymore. He just wanted to get this over with and go home, maybe take a long cold shower before going to the shop. When he tried to tell Yuuko yesterday that he's going to be late to work the next day, the older woman just smirked at him as she gazed uncomfortably into his eyes. After that, he just left her to drink the large bottle of whiskey and didn't say anything to her anymore. He dreaded that she knew; that she has always known--and Watanuki is afraid to hear what her opinions are about it.

"Yo," Doumeki appeared out of nowhere and interrupted his train of thought. Watanuki almost jumped out of his skin as he jerked up from his seat and hissed at him.

"God, can you just start walking already so we can leave?!" Watanuki was going to push him but that would require touching the bastard so he stopped himself.

"Right," Doumeki glanced at him briefly before doing exactly what Watanuki demanded. "I have to show you something in the library anyway."

"You mean at the temple's?"

"Yeah. Walk faster."

"You're one to talk! You made me wait so long back there!" Watanuki waved his arms about, flapping them and almost hitting someone walking on his right side. He didn't notice. He couldn't really focus on anything else but the fury and the confusion and the desire…

"I hate you so much, Doumeki!!"

"Sure."

They got to the temple and made their way to the old library. Watanuki angrily tossed his bag into the corner and didn't even bother taking off his shoes. He wasn't planning on entering anyway. He just stood there in the doorway's frame, glaring mightily towards Doumeki's direction. The other boy was rummaging through the shelves. Before Watanuki could ask what the hell he's doing, Doumeki placed a thin parchment of some sort on the table.

He looked at Watanuki with a bland gaze, hardly even moving from where he stood. "Take a look at this."

"I don't want to go in." Watanuki crossed his arms.

"Okay," Doumeki didn't bother arguing and just took the parchment and walked over to Watanuki. "Now take a look at this."

For a minute, Watanuki just fumed silently, glaring at Doumeki with all he's got. Afterwards, that did get tiring so he glanced down at the parchment at last. It took him a while to focus. All he saw were elegeant drawings of people. Their colors were faded due to the age of the paper but the images were quite beautiful.

"I didn't come here for the art appreciation," he pointed out.

"Yesterday, you asked me to have sex with you--"

"Ugh! I said hypothetically I might want to…" Watanuki trailed off when he realized that counterpoint didn't sound any better.

Doumeki went on. "And you said it'd be impossible between two men anyway."

"You got that right."

"These sketches feature early depictions of men engaging in sexual activities with each other. See?"

Watanuki felt all the muscles on his face go numb. He looked at Doumeki and then at the parchment, and then back at Doumeki again.

"Where did you get that?!"

"It was a part of my grandfather's collection."

"WHY DOES HARUKA-SAN HAVE THAT?!"

"It's an antique piece of artistic tapestry," Doumeki replied with a dismissive glance at said artifact.

"Regardless!!"

Doumeki almost rolled his eyes at the other boy. Of course Watanuki will make a big deal about this. It's so ridiculous. He was the one who brought up such a delicate topic of conversation anyway. He was the one who propositioned him. That naturally would take guts. So Doumeki doesn't understand the hypocrisy of it. He supposed this is just one of Watanuki's contradictions.

"Look at them again," Doumeki leaned closer, ignoring the way Watanuki recoiled. He fixed his gaze on the parchment he spread before the two of them. "This man is looming over this man. He had both hands on his hips while the other lay on his back, his legs open, ready to receive the man above. The intercourse between them is done anally, of course."

He knew he sounded almost calculating as he explained the process, but it really is no different when he discussed the human reproductive process in front of everyone in Science class just last month. He didn't bother to check Watanuki's reaction as he turned to another page.

"This time the one who receives is sitting on the other's lap. The penetration is controlled by the former because of this position, perhaps to compensate for the inexperience on the receiver's side. But it's also more likely that the giver's penis is large in size and so the receiver opted for this position to accommodate the length better."

Doumeki turned the parchment over. "This one is rudimentary. Anal sex in its standard position where the man bends down, presenting his buttocks for the other man. Penetration is easier for both partners."

Beside him, he heard Watanuki mutter something under his breath.

"What was that?" Doumeki glanced at him and found that Watanuki is unmistakably blushing. He wouldn't meet his eyes.

But he answered, his voice louder this time. "I said that--" he points at the last illustration, "..seems impersonal."

"How so?"

"They're not even looking at each other."

Doumeki cocks an eyebrow.

Watanuki was still not looking at him either. "I mean, it's sex so it's supposed to be intimate so they should look at each other."

"So when we have sex, there should always be eye contact?"

Watanuki finally glared at him, meeting his eyes directly even if his face felt hot and might start melting any moment. He can't believe they're actually discussing something so…filthy. Everything about this felt surreal. Without thinking about it, he replied, "If.."

Doumeki narrowed his eyes.

"If we have sex," Watanuki finishes.

"And are we?" Something in Doumeki's throat was suddenly hard to swalllow as he waited patiently for the response he is afraid might never come. He had never felt so bare and exposed like this before.

Watanuki was quiet as he looked back down at the illustrations. Slowly, he raised a hand just to hover it around the parchment first, as if testing it, and then his fingertips started tracing the figures of the men. He said nothing the entire time and Doumeki merely followed with his eyes the languorous motions of Watanuki's fingers grazing the page as if in a dreamy haze.

"I don't know…"

"I think," Doumeki began, his own fingers touching the parchment, resting the tips on the parts where Watanuki's own fingers have been before as if Doumeki was chasing a ghostly trail. "I think I want to be with you in that capacity too, Watanuki."

Watanuki didn't say anything. Instead, he moved his fingers back on the places where Doumeki's fingers have now occupied. The contact was faint but Doumeki felt the electricity surging among their digits. He held his breath as he felt something sharp jabbing between the tender insides of his chest.

"How do we proceed then?" Watanuki could hardly hear himself. He felt so small while the room was so expansive around them, ready to swallow him whole. He fixed his eyes on the people in the drawings.

"Your choice," Doumeki answered, his fingers catching up to Watanuki on the paper. He curled his index finger around Watanuki's.

Watanuki gave it some thought. He turned the pages back to the first illustration with the looming man while the other laid on his back. Watanuki pictured himself and Doumeki in either positions and he swore he could feel tiny needles prickling his stomach as his limited imagination filled the gaps that his comprehension couldn't fanthom.

Doumeki was watching the other boy closely now when he suggested. "I suppose it's a matter of what you want more. Do you want me to be inside you or do you want to be inside me?"

Watanuki shivered as Doumeki spoke, feeling the heat on his neck and cheeks rising. He struggled to reply but was afraid he might only make pitiful sounds so he kept his mouth shut. He has been standing next to Doumeki for what seemed like an hour now. His feet might have been rooted to the ground at this point. The mixture of trepidation, elation and arousal kept him upright though.

Finally, he answered, his voice a trembling whisper, "We can try both."

"Okay." Doumeki moved his arm to circle it around Watanuki's back. He gently clutched him by the other shoulder. "We'll start with whichever you're more comfortable with." He rubbed his fingertips on Watanuki's shoulder in slow, repetitive motions, pulling the other boy much closer. He sighed into Watanuki's hair as his eyes drift close. He slowly brought down the parchment to his side.

Watanuki made a sound between a gasp and a whimper. He couldn't move any part of his body at all. "And..what do you want? Which...do you want to…start with first?"

Doumeki has never heard Watanuki speak like this before. It was as if he was sick or something. His voice was barely audible. Feeling bold, however, Doumeki admitted, his words clear. "Me. Inside you."

"Oh god…" Watanuki squeezed his eyes shut as he was now able to turn the rest of his body to meet Doumeki's. "God, this is so awful…" he tilted his chin up. He breathed out, seeking the warmth of the other boy's mouth. He could feel he's almost close. Meanwhile, Doumeki looked through half-lidded eyes. He stayed absolutely still, waiting for Watanuki to get to his desired destination.

Their lips met. Only a few seconds passed before Watanuki was licking Doumeki's bottom lip with an unsure swipe of the tip of his tongue. Doumeki made a sound that surprised him. He slightly jerked his head back, eyes now wide. Watanuki visibly frowned. "I thought we're supposed to do that when we're kissing."

"Yes." Doumeki muttered, coming closer again as he wound both arms around him this time. "Let me try.." he whispered as he brought their lips together again. He kept his eyes half-open, cautiously peering at the intense event unfolding between them with the tentative and coaxing meeting of their lips. Doumeki traced the tip of his tongue on Watanuki's lower lip, mirroring his action earlier. And then, he sucks on it with a gentle purpose, lavishing on its taut softness. He felt Watanuki's fingers digging on his shoulder blades, possibly to keep himself steady. In return, Watanuki tilted his head on the right, angling himself better as the fullness of his tongue surges inside Doumeki's mouth as soon as the other boy let out as gasp.

Watanuki delighted on the way Doumeki went stiff from the unexpected invasion, the way his breath hitched, and that delicious sound he emitted from the back of his throat. It encouraged Watanuki to roll his tongue against Doumeki's, seeking friction among the wet folds which engulfed him. Watanuki's left hand was clutching at Doumeki's neck now with a deliberate possessiveness yet he was careful not to choke him. He tiptoed uncomfortably because of the obvious height difference so he also had to keep pulling Doumeki down to claim his mouth.

In response, Doumeki let the parchment drop behind Watanuki as he pulled him up, almost completely lifting Watanuki's feet off the ground. He had to brace himself by wrapping his arms around Doumeki's neck. The slight physical disadvantage annoyed him so he immediately pulled back, dragging Doumeki down instead until his back was bent and he was crouching. Doumeki was still latched onto Watanuki's mouth to even care at all. Their tongues were trapped in a frenzied struggle now, and the wetness of the kiss was too good, too real.

How could another man's mouth be this so damn desirable? The overwhelming heat flooding all common sense--the almost desperate way both of them clutched and squeezed whatever they can hold and grasp at--the almost painful anticipation of the seemingly limitless possibilities to feel one another more intensely than the last gesture--it left the entire world spinning madly around them. Each touch was a tiny deconstruction of reality as they know it.

Doumeki was the first one to let go, but severing himself from the kiss had to be the most difficult thing he ever had to do. He slowly untangled his arms until his hands rested on Watanuki's elbows but the other boy stepped forward as Doumeki retreated. He was unfazed; he focused on rubbing his palms on Doumeki's chest (he could feel how well-defined it is under the black top) and laying kisses upon kisses on Doumeki's now exposed throat (Watanuki had been unbuttoning his collar earlier).

"Oi," Doumeki half-groaned. "Take it easy."

"You deserve this," Watanuki murmured on his neck. "You bring out dirty pictures to show me--" another kiss on the lips, quick but smoldering, "--then tell me you want to be inside me--" a small bite on the jaw, "--and now you're beginning to change your mind?"

Doumeki had no idea what to say. Everything about Watanuki right now was like fire on scar tissue. Watanuki must have sensed his anxiety because the other boy pulled back to look at him through fogged-up glasses, perfectly clouding the sheer intensity of his mismatch-colored eyes. The sight of Watanuki like this (with his hair now unkempt since Doumeki had been running his fingers all over it earlier) was like a divine vision he doesn't feel worthy enough to see.

"What's the matter, Doumeki?" Watanuki sounded snide as a smirk played upon his lips. "If you can't even handle a little foreplay then how would you even manage to endure actual sex with me?"

Doumeki found his voice. "Don't get overconfident. I'm only holding back out of respect of your person."

Watanuki let out a chuckle, taking a step back. The absence of his arms savaging Doumeki left him utterly lonely. Watanuki now took off his glasses to wipe the surfaces using the hem of his shirt uniform. He gazed up at Doumeki, still smirking in quiet triumph. "I'm going to make you regret that dumbass chivalrous attitude of yours. Just because I'm going to let you give it to me first doesn't mean you can treat like a woman."

"That wasn't what I mean."

"Whatever," Watanuki impatiently pushed back the glasses onto his face. "If we're really gonna do this then you better not chicken out."

Now Doumeki smirked back. "Game on. But there are a couple of things we're going to need first."

Watanuki just stared at him. Doumeki went on, "As in condoms and lubrication, you idiot."

"Stupid jerk, I got what you meant." Watanuki turned away to hide his blush (really, still with that? After all that heavy make-out session?). That's when he noticed the parchment on the floor. "You dropped this," he remarked, picking it up.

"You can take it home if you want," Doumeki said. "Might help you prepare for the real thing next time."

"And when is next time? " Watanuki tried not to sound too eager as he withdrew the hand clutching the parchment. He sighed and placed it down on the nearest table.

"We'll talk after lunch tomorrow. When Kunogi leaves."

Watanuki rolled his eyes. "I'm done talking!"

"Look," Doumeki walked over, keeping their gazes locked. "Let me buy the essentials tonight. Tomorrow we go over when and where we'll do it--"

"Why not just here?" Watanuki sounded almost petulant. It was cute.

"Among my grandfather's things? Good luck talking to him in one of your dreams after you knowingly had sex with his grandson inside his private study."

Watanuki was a dark shade of red again. He punched Doumeki on the chest which the other boy laughed off.

"Besides," Doumeki added. "We're not going to rush into it. Tomorrow I just want you stay over. Just to sleep."

"I can't believe you!" Watanuki started spazzing again. "One moment you're all over me and the next you just want to goddamn sleep in a bed? God, you're the weirdest kind of sadist ever!"

"Just trust me, okay?"

"WHY SHOULD I? YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!"

"Listen to me," Doumeki grabbed Watanuki's wrist firmly, shutting him up. "If we're going to be lovers, I want to do it right."

"Who says anything about…" Watanuki trailed off as Doumeki used his free hand to cup his cheek.

"You ask me how I can delay this, how I can resist not ripping your clothes off and just having my way with you right now," Doumeki leaned closer. "It's because this is important to me. And I know that in spite of your protests and indecisiveness, this matters greatly to you too. Now I can be patient because I don't think anybody who is serious about someone should just jump into things. Not when you want it to last forever."

Watanuki shook his head. His eyes were marred by helplessness. "What makes you think we even have forever?"

"I don't," Doumeki caressed Watanuki's cheek with his thumb. "You told me you don't remember your past anymore. And no one can guarantee the future, not even someone as powerful as Yuuko-san."

He put both hands on Watanuki's cheeks now. "But I offer you the present. Right now, right here, with me, Watanuki. It's the only thing that you and I can shape together."

"Dou..meki…" Watanuki could feel the tears starting to form but he fought the urge to cry. He swallowed the lump on his throat as he put his hands around both of Doumeki's wrists. He looked as deeply as he could manage into the other boy's eyes and answered him.

"I think," he paused and closed his eyes. He leaned in to press their lips together. He drew back just inches away to whisper, "I think I'm ready…to trust you."

And then he put his own hands on Doumeki's cheeks to deepen the kiss, to take that overdue plunge.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doumeki confesses certain truths, and Watanuki reacts in what can only be described as a schizophrenic breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It looks like the smexy times will happen more in-depth in the next chapter. Consider this the calm before the storm.

 

 

**223: Touch Me**

* * *

 

 

 

 

Because he's catnip to spirits, Watanuki has once again found himself about to be devoured by one. It was late afternoon on school grounds when a massive apparition started to chase him from the auditorium and down the flights of stairs until Watanuki reached the gymnasium, already gasping for breath. He was both sweating and shivering, but Watanuki kept running. Survival depended on it. Just then, strong arms grabbed him from a corner and Watanuki let out a not-so-manly shriek. He opened his eyes and saw Doumeki just standing there, his hands on his shoulders.

"You--!" Before Watanuki could think of a degrading adjective and name to call Doumeki, the other boy pulled him closer, almost in a protective embrace. Watanuki struggled, wringing his hands as he tried to get himself out of Doumeki's iron-clad hold.

"Do you want to die?" Doumeki hissed as he tigtened his arms around him. Brazenly, he pushed Watanuki's head against his chest. The abrupt contact rendered Watanuki speechless for a couple more seconds. In this position he realized how many inches taller Doumeki really is--and it angered him, like most things about this stupid jerk, so he tried to wriggle for some room again.

"Stay calm," Doumeki said, almost in a whisper. "It could still be hunting for you but if you stay where you are now, then it would lessen the chance of you being detected and the thing might leave."

"How the hell do you know?"

"It's powerful. I can even sense it…the heaviness."

He was right. Watanuki weighed his options. As suffocating as it is to be surrounded by stupid Doumeki's stupid arms…the alternative is mercilessly worse. The apparition could kill him if he wandered off all because he can't stand being this close to Doumeki. So Watanuki kept his damn mouth shut and prayed it would be over soon.

Heedlessly, he was left with nothing else to do but focus on how tangible Doumeki is against his body, how he can't ignore the clean scent of his uniform…or was that how he always smelled? Watanuki frowned, his eyebrows furrowing. He measured the beats of his breathing and realized that it shared the tempo of Doumeki's. Watanuki found himself being lulled by that. His eyes have began to droop. He felt weightless and this feeling was very pleasant and made him think about his parents…if he was held like this before whenever he was scared or when he did something they were very proud of…

…but it's no use. He doesn't even remember their names. Or their faces. Or how it felt like when they loved him and cared about him.

Watanuki squeezed his eyes shut and mindlessly wrapped his arms around the body against him. It took him a couple seconds to remember that it was Doumeki and even then he didn't care. He buried his face on his chest and reassured himself that the ache will dull one day. Right now it seemed so easy, so deliberate, so redemptive to just allow himself to disappear…

Above him he felt Doumeki shift and adjust his arms around Watanuki, keeping him in a closer contact if it's even possible at this point. Watanuki's focus--his entire being, even--locked on the presence of the other boy still standing steady and strong; hands on his back; the sound of his breathing matching his own almost like a lullaby. Watanuki felt his nerves calming down and he became even more distinctly aware how good it felt being held like this even if it is by someone like Doumeki.

But what does he really have against the other boy? Doumeki had been nothing but helpful and dependable. He sacrificed a great number of things to keep Watanuki safe. No one had cared this immensely for him. Watanuki knew that if he asks of it, Doumeki would walk miles to give him exactly what he needs, no matter the price. And that's what so loathsome about this. It wasn't fair. Doumeki cares too much about Watanuki and Watanuki couldn't be bothered showing him the kindness he deserved aside from the meals he cooked in exchange for the priceless things Doumeki had offered him. But they were never enough and yet Douemki acted as if they were all he ever needed.

Watanuki tightened his arms around Doumeki. He wanted to tell him he was stupid and a jerk and a dumbass…but Watanuki was far too busy relishing on their closeness, of the way their bodies fit. Doumeki was real. This world and the worlds beyond could alter or crumble into debris and ashes but Watanuki can find his way back as long as he can glimpse Doumeki waiting for him at the end of whatever dark and bizarre narrow pathway Watanuki got himself trapped in. As aggravating as the other boy was, he was Watanuki's constant.

And he's warm...Watanuki inhaled his scent and it made his head spin just a bit. His fingers pressed against Douemki's back as he clutched him harder. The other boy wasn't saying anything at all but instead he moved one hand on Watanuki's head, gently running his fingers on his hair with a touch so faint and ghostly Watanuki never would have noticed if it wasn't for the fact that he was so focused on everything discernible and uniquely Doumeki right now.

For a brief moment, he entertained the notion of being locked around this man's arms forever. He wondered if Doumeki would mind although Watanuki was dead sure he probably wouldn't. He could just ask Doumeki to touch him tenderly and to hold him as if he was worth preserving, and the other boy will undoubtedly fulfill such requests regardless whether or not Watanuki will give him a reason why. To prove this point, Watanuki stretched his hands up and found Doumeki's nape. He wasn't really sure what he wanted to do after that. He felt Doumeki's figure crumpling and the next thing either of them knew, he was bending down. Watanuki pulled slightly away just to see what was happening but couldn't will himself to open his eyes, afraid to make sense of everything between them through sight.

He didn't say anything or make another move. He was frozen in place. Watanuki could hear the ordinary sounds of life happening around him. He could feel the cool breeze brushing against the confines of his clothes. With eyes tightly shut, the other senses were heightened especially that of tactile sensation. Watanuki knew his hands were still at the back of Doumeki's neck. He was keenly aware that Douemki has gotten closer; could anticipate the next movements of his big hands on his shoulders, gripping them firmly. He knew Doumeki will probably tell him that the spirit was gone (he's known it few minutes now) which meant Watanuki is safe; he can let go.

Watanuki was going to do just that. He felt his hands slipping, his arms withdrawing. He felt Doumeki moving his hands from his shoulders to his elbows. He could feel the warmth of breath on his lips. He could lean in. He dared himself to.

And then he heard Doumeki speak. "You can go now."

Watanuki opened his eyes, blinking away his confusion.

Was that--? Did he imagine it? Watanuki almost touched his lips with his fingers but stopped himself.

Yeah, that didn't really happen.

Doumeki didn't just try to kiss him and Watanuki certainly didn't just let him.

They don't have that kind of relationship. They never will. They simply can't.

But when Watanuki got home, he immediately crawled under his sheets and placed a pillow between his legs. He closed his eyes and grinded against its softness, despising its lack of sturdiness. He wished it was like Doumeki's body; firm and strong and undeniably real under his fingertips. Watanuki bit his lower lip as he moved his hips in an almost mad and desperate rhythm, thrusting into the pillow will all his strength. His legs were beginning to cramp but he ignored it. He groaned as the continuous waves of completion destroyed him where he lay, out of breath and near tears.

For the next three days Watanuki became more aware of Doumeki's proximity and pretended to hate it while secretly hoping the other boy would sit and stand closer to him. He would "accidentally" bump arms with Doumeki while walking to school or to the shop. He would "unintentionally" let his hand linger for a moment whenever he'd give Doumeki extra serving of food or rice during lunch. And then he would go home and hold his pillow against his body, wrapping his thighs around it. It has gotten so bad that Watanuki knew it was only a matter of time before he explodes. Vague fantasies of Doumeki close, his hands on his hair, his arms around his torso, plagued Watanuki even in his daydreams. The persistent hardness in his pants that followed was a mocking testament of Watanuki's desire to have a sexual experience with the boy he claimed to hate so many times before. That revelation was sickening and yet freeing all the same.

 

 

 

**xXx**

 

Of course, he left out the part about "going home to masturbate to the thought of Doumeki touching him" when he eventually got around to explaining to said boy today what prompted Watanuki's carnal interest on him. Watanuki made it sound as innocent as he could, pointing out his lack of experience when it came to physically affectionate gestures which was why that incident with Doumeki hugging him was an effective catalyst that awakened him sexually. Doumeki listened patiently through it all, eyes focused on Watanuki and nowhere else.

It was just after lunch with Himawari. They have fifteen minutes to spare before their next classes. It was decided that such a private discussion about a sensitive topic should be disclosed in a place where no one can overhear them so the two boys ended up in the rooftop which was rather spacious. They sat together near the rails. Watanuki had pulled his legs close to him, his chin resting on his knees. Doumeki sat with his legs crossed beside him, arms folded.

There were only a few gaps between them. Watanuki looked at that space with a forlorn expression on his face which Doumeki easily noticed. Without another word, he moved closer. Watanuki's eyes widened as the crimson shade on his cheeks made its way down his neck which Doumeki could see, given that all the buttons on his collar have been opened. Without hesitation, Doumeki reached out and brushed his thumb on the side of Watanuki's neck. He heard the other boy's breath hitch.

"I bought the essentials," he simply informed him

"Okay.." Once again, Watanuki couldn't look at him.

Doumeki paused. And then he asked point-blank, "We got ten minutes. You want to fool around before classes?"

Now Watanuki shot him a questioning look. To demonstrate, Doumeki leaned in and captured the other boy's already parted lips with a searing kiss. Watanuki stayed immobile for a few long seconds; and then he seized Doumeki by the collar and pulled him lower, angling his head just right for better access of tongue. Doumeki could feel himself melting away as the rest of his senses focused only on Watanuki--his taste and scent most of all. He pushed both hands under Watanuki's shirt uniform, splaying his fingers on his bare stomach.

Surprisingly enough, Watanuki climbed his lap and pinned Doumeki against the metal rails behind him. The cold touch of metal on his nape was a welcome contrast to the heat of the rest of his body pressed almost painfully against Watanuki. Doumeki groaned into their locked mouths and dug his fingertips on Watanuki's hips. Testing the angle, he moved his hips upwards. Watanuki pulled back, his fogged-up glasses askew. There was, however, the undeniable arousal fully etched in his features. He started rolling his hips forward, never once breaking eye contact. Doumeki's mouth hung open as he found himself lost in the friction of their crotches rubbing deliciously against each other like this.

Watanuki removed his glasses and abandoned them on the ground. He leaned a few inches closer and kissed Doumeki again, leaving a wet trail of tongue across the other boy's teeth. Doumeki's hands reached out to clasp Watanuki's head in place so he can wriggle his own tongue inside their mouths, clashing its tip on Watanuki's in rigorous motions as if spelling words using a secret language.

In response, Watanuki forcefully ripped his collar open and Doumeki knew that the buttons have carelessly fallen off by then, scattered somewhere. He didn't care. Now Watanuki slid one hand on his chest as he lowered himself. He lifted Doumeki's shirt uniform with the other until his stomach was exposed.

It's unfair how perfectly well-toned his abdominal muscles were. Watanuki almost wanted to slap it with his palm and complain about Doumeki's strict physical activities and exercise regimen, and how there's a possible correlation between his concern over his physical prowess and his lack of personality due to it. But all of that was forgettable afterthought. Watanuki instead busied himself licking and sucking the annoyingly delectable expanse of flesh, pausing once in a while to listen to Doumeki moan and stutter as he begs Watanuki for more. Watanuki holds back though, and pulls down the shirt, smirking at the abject disappointment on Doumeki's face.

"Idiot," Doumeki commented. He pulled Watanuki down before the other boy could retort. He buried his head on Watanuki's left shoulder and started to suck on his neck with an unhurried pace. He used his teeth as much as he could, quietly pleased each time Watanuki made a strangled sound. He could feel Watanuki's own nails in his chest, marking him with every stroke. With a harder bite than he intended, Doumeki closed his teeth savagely on the already sore spot, making Watanuki yelp out. He scratched his nails hard on Doumeki's chest, scraping the skin even through the fabric of his uniform.

Watanuki pulled back, extracting himself from Doumeki's lap as he struggled to stand. He cupped his neck with one hand as he pawed at his glasses with the other, snatching it from the ground as he looked at Doumeki angrily. Still, there remains a layer of lust and arousal in his unforgiving gaze. "Why'd you have to bite so hard, you bastard?!"

He balled his hands into fists, trying to sound dignified as he stood there, looking down at Doumeki. The portion of flesh where Doumeki bit him throbbed. It was painful but the sensation of it somewhat lit inferno at the pit of his stomach, worsening Watanuki's desire to collapse back into Doumeki and allow the other boy to imprint himself all over his body with his kisses and teeth. But Watanuki resisted out of a twisted sense of pride. He pushed the glasses back on his face and stood there fuming.

Doumeki, in turn, was watching him in an almost predatory manner. "If you can't even handle my love bites, how else would you endure my cock buried deep in your ass when we have sex?"

That statement--from the brutal honesty to the uncharacteristic crudeness of it--shocked them both, rendering them mute for several seconds. It hung in the air, polluting everything with a sickeningly sweet and dark promise.

Color drained from both their faces as neither of them spoke up. A few more agonizing seconds passed before Watanuki decided to swiftly put an end to the suffocating awkwardness and reply:

"W-Well! When it's my turn, I'm going to fuck you senseless!"

Suffice to say, _that_ …did not help.

Watanuki covered his mouth with both hands now. His ears feel so hot he almost thought they were going to pop out of his head. Doumeki stayed seated on the ground, pulling at his collar which had all its buttons missing. He couldn't stop looking at Watanuki though and neither can Watanuki.

As calmly as he can manage, Doumeki replied, "Don't make promises you can't deliver."

"LIKE HELL!" Watanuki stomped a foot forward and then the next. "If you aren't such a goddamn prude, you dumbass, and insist on just sleeping together on a bed later tonight then maybe you'll see for yourself just how well I intend to deliver on that promise, you…you…imbecile jerk!"

Now Doumeki picked himself off the ground and towered over Watanuki. He shoved his hands on his pockets and replied, "I'm no prude, you virgin. And I already told you that I want to make this special."

"Fuck that, Doumeki! And who are you calling a virgin?!"

"You."

"But.." Watanuki looked at him helplessly. "Aren't you?"

Doumeki now smiled. This annoyed Watanuki and his reflex was to punch him but Doumeki avoided the blow just in time.

"Well?" Watanuki demanded an answer.

"It doesn't matter."

"IT MATTERS TO ME!"

Doumeki opened his mouth and then closed it again. Watanuki just stood there, waiting for the other boy to give him another reason to argue. Doumeki exhaled and then took a step forward. He answered. "It was a moment of weakness. I haven't met you yet and I was…seduced. I never would have given in if I knew then that our paths were going to cross."

Watanuki blinked. He lowered his voice as he asked. "What do you mean you were seduced?"

Doumeki carefully placed his hands on Watanuki's elbows, prompting him to step closer. "It was some friend's party. We've been drinking. And she was persistent. And pretty."

"Oh," Watanuki had nothing else to say.

"It meant nothing. Afterwards, I swore never to give in to another lapse of judgment, especially when it comes to intimacy."

Watanuki was just looking up at him, not saying anything and Doumeki was starting to get scared. Almost shakily, he put his hand on his cheek and said, "Choosing to share my body to you is a decision I will never regret. I don't only intend to give my body to you but also.." with his other hand, he took Watanuki's and placed it on his chest. "…this." Doumeki used his other hand to rest in on Watanuki's chest. Murmuring only to himself, he said, "I only ever wanted this."

The world had just tipped over the edge again and Watanuki felt the nerve-wracking assault of vertigo taking over. He gazed at Doumeki, barely seeing him. He was instead keenly aware of their heartbeats synchronizing with the unbearably delicate contact of their palms on the surface of their clothed skin. He looked at his hand on Doumeki's chest and let out a sigh which lessened the tightness on his own chest.

Watanuki answered him. "I don't know what I want."

He slowly lowered his hand so he can take Doumeki's hand resting on his chest. He clasped both of his hands around it as he stared at his fingers interlacing with each other as if to form a cage. "It's certainly not your confession, nor your offering for a relationship either."

He looked at Doumeki again, weighing the impact of his words as he spoke them out loud. "But the alternative is not having you and that…that might kill me just a little. And not because you repel spirits that hunt me whenever you're around. No, it's the little things, really." Watanuki gazed at their hands, smiling almost to himself. "The many ways I want to prove you wrong every time you get in my nerves; the stupid demands you have about food and the pitiful sense of accommplishment I get when I meet them all; the dreams with Haruka-san and the way he lights up when he talks about you--the fact that he has your face so when he smiles, I imagine that's how you look like happy and, goddammit, it shortens my breath just thinking about that now…"

He looks away briefly to the corner and then looks up at Doumeki again. "I wish you'd smile every now and then. But I'd probably punch your stupid face because I bet if you smile, girls will line up from other cities..and, hell, seduce you and you'll give in again and won't want me anymore…YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST DON'T LOOK AT ANY GIRL ASIDE FROM HIMAWARI-CHAN FROM NOW ON, OKAY?"

He snatched his hands away and gritted his teeth. "And keep it in your pants! I'm the only one allowed to see it, DO YOU HEAR ME, JERK?!"

Doumeki must be positively glowing by now as he listened to Watanuki's almost bipolar manner of speaking, alternating between wistful and enraged; from citing such tender things about not wanting to lose Doumeki in his life to accusing him of infidelity and to only have sex with him from now on. All that passion that Doumeki has only seen glimpses of before now pouring out and all because of him--all that passion and tenderness all for Doumeki.

He surged forward and locked his lips on Watanuki's again, coaxing for them to part for him so he can taste him and quench his thirst. For his part, Watanuki instantly wrapped both arms around Doumeki's neck and ignored the embarrasing fact that he is being lifted off the ground again. The bell rang from a distance, signaling that classes have resumed again but neither boy gave a damn.

 

**xXx**

 

Himawari greeted Watanuki as soon as he reached his seat after being lightly scolded by the teacher for being at least ten minutes late. Watanuki beamed at her and then got settled down by opening the current page in the book they are currently discussing. Himawari watched Watanuki for a while. That's when she noticed his collar. It was open and there are red marks across the skin of his neck.

Without directly asking about it, Himawari whispered. "Where were you, Watanuki-kun?"

Absentmindedly, Watanuki replied. "The rooftop. With Doumeki."

Himawari smiled now. Now this is a not-so-surprising development. "Aww," she remarked. "You two are really, _really_ close, aren't you?"

A thud of the book hitting the floor. "WHO--WHAT--HOW NOW? WHAT?!"

"Kimihiro Watanuki-kun!" The teacher called out. "This is your last warning!"

Watanuki quickly bowed three times, apologizing the entire time. The class jeered. Himawari sat there, her smile intact, as she glanced at the marks on Watanuki's neck again. Knowing exactly what they are and who gave them as a present, she couldn't help but let out a chuckle.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A breaking point in which Watanuki must decide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, yeah. SMEXY TIMES COMMENCE. Feel free to choose whatever soundtrack you want. I'm very happy on how this turned out. This is probably the happiest thing I could write Doumeki and Watanuki in that isn't AU. I hope you all love it too. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and for the kudos!

 

 

**54: Leap of Faith**

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

Doumeki scoffed lightly as he asked. "But why do you need to stop by Yuuko-san's place? I thought she gave you the day-off?"

Watanuki was about to argue with him again especially when he saw the frown forming on the other boy's face, and that alone should annoy him like the usual because Doumeki is acting like he's entitled to Watanuki--but it doesn't; at least not in the same way as before. Now there's also this inexplicable sinking feeling in his stomach that is accompanied by the annoyance. It was a horrible feeling that makes him feel a little light-headed. In the last four or five days since their two life-altering encounters, Watanuki has found it difficult to still act as if Shizuka Doumeki was the worst thing that ever happened to him; not when the very sight of him makes him weak in the knees and stupidly hard in the pants (which can be denied if it wasn't for the persistent clothed evidence right there in his groin). Doumeki still gets under his skin, sure, but now for a different combination of sensations altogether.

So when he sees Doumeki frowning like a petulant child, he still scolded him, throwing in an insult or two, keeping the tone of his voice loud with animosity, but then he also shoved him to a more secluded corner in the school grounds to kiss him breathless on the mouth. Watanuki thankfully managed to pull away minutes after, hating himself a little bit for how long that kiss lasted. What he originally intended for was a light playful peck on the lips to shut him up, but they only both ended up making out like the fools that they were, with Doumeki clutching his head with both hands in the most possessive way imaginable as he allowed Watanuki for some space to gather his breath, and with Watanuki running his hands on the other boy's chest in tender motions of palms just brushing on the garment of his uniform. They just stared at each other for another long pause. Well, at least Doumeki has stopped frowning and complaining.

"Look, just--ugh! I have stuff to--you know, just stuff. ..okay?! I'll be at your place in less than an hour, tops." Watanuki was never one to be eloquent but this stuttering, vague explanation was just too much even for him. It was also apparently the cutest thing for Doumeki. He started placing his hands on Watanuki's cheeks. At first, it's so he can keep the other boy in place and make him forget for a second that he has to leave. Doumeki was silently victorious that it worked; now Watanuki was just standing there with a haze on his expression, blushing so perfectly in his touch. But then a sudden mood seized Doumeki and he began to pinch both of his cheeks.

"Ow! Goddammit!" Watanuki slapped his hands away and took a step back. "What the hell was that?!"

With a flat tone, Doumeki answered. "I love you, you know."

Watanuki blushed so hard that his whole face should have exploded given the excessive redness, and not just on his cheeks. His voice punctured through the silence around them, words loud and clear. "WH--WHA--WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT?! ESPECIALLY LIKE…THAT!! YOU ASSHOLE!" He stepped forward and punched Doumeki twice, one on the chest and the other on the shoulder.

"Like what?" But Doumeki knew exactly what. He is enjoying the way Watanuki is unraveling before him. He can't help it. The other boy was so easy to tease and reacts in the most hostile yet endearingly humorous way. Doumeki was suppressing a grin, knowing it will antagonize Watanuki more, but he can't help that either.

He burst out laughing. When he recovered, he saw that Watanuki was staring at him in abject horror with a tinge of fascination.

"L-Like..." he stuttered, trying to continue their conversation. "Like a stupid asshole, that's what!" Watanuki punched him on the other shoulder harder.

Doumeki took a step forward and grabbed Watanuki by the wrist when the other boy tried to punch him again. He leaned close, his smile widening an inch. "Then how do you want me to say it? I can say it in several other ways but the meaning won't change."

Watanuki whimpered while he was being pulled close again. His lips immediately parted even before Doumeki thought about kissing him again. He wanted to hear what Watanuki has to say first so he resisted the urge. "How do you want me to say I love you, Watanuki?"

"GO DIE IN A FIRE--!"

"Maybe later," With his other hand, Doumeki flicked his thumb and index finger on Watanuki's lips and he felt the other boy completely stiffen in his grasp. 

"You..." Watanuki seethed, pronouncing words by gritting his teeth. "You're getting off on this, aren't you?"

"I'm trying to please you," Doumeki responded, tightening his hold on his wrist as he continued to caress those lips with the agonizingly slow touch of his fingers. He watched in curiosity as Watanuki squirmed just a bit to keep those fingers there.

Sharply, Watanuki glared at Doumeki and thought about his options. First: he can push Doumeki off-balance and get him on the ground. But they're in a public place and that could attract attention. Second: he can tell him exactly how he wants Doumeki to say those words again, to let them wash over him and make him feel woozy with the intensity of their meaning. Or third...

Victoriously, Watanuki bit down on Doumeki's fingers. The other boy flinched and his hold on Watanuki's wrist loosened just enough for Watanuki to pull it away so he can use it to grab onto Doumeki's shoulder instead. His other hand was on Doumeki's arm to ensure he stayed still as Watanuki explored the length of his two fingers with his tongue and teeth, alternating between tasting and nibbling. He kept their eyes locked on one another and he saw Doumeki completely falling apart, his cheeks flushed and his pupils dilating because of the excitement building up between them. It was then and only then that Watanuki mercifully released him. He removed his mouth on his fingers, his hands on his body and took a few steps backward, just so he can admire his handiwork. The other boy was frozen in place for a few seconds, probably calculating his next move but Watanuki didn't let him. He ran off.

"Oi!" Doumeki called out once he finally snapped out of it.

"That's not my name, you jerk!" Watanuki turned around to reply but kept running, reaching the school gate and surpassing it, a grin plastered to his face knowing that he can outrun even someone of Doumeki's iron constitution anytime.  When he turned to a corner that will take him to Yuuko's store, he admitted that he was slightly disappointed that Doumeki didn't bother chasing after him. His heavy steps slowed and he was now just jogging, huffing and puffing as he tried to get a lungful of air. He reached into a complete stop once he was standing next to the store. Watanuki placed his palms on his knees, bending down to catch his breath. That sinking feeling in his stomach hasn't gone away. In fact, it got worse. There was heat in there now with the anticipation of what will happen next once he and Doumeki meet again tonight at the temple. Watanuki's imagination was beginning to get out of control, and due to his excitable nature and overall neurosis, the daydreams Watanuki had been having about the overdue sex between him and Doumeki have only gotten more persuasive and unavoidable. 

He may or may not have jerked off a few times to images of him and Doumeki, their bodies tangled under the sheets, rocking against each other in a restless, senseless, but poetic rhythm. Thinking about that again, Watanuki pulled himself up from his bent position and sighed. He glanced across the store and wondered what Yuuko must think. He has the creeping suspicion that the damn woman knew all along what has been happening. There was that incident yesterday when Yuuko openly stared at him without saying a word, twirling her smoke-pipe between her fingers. He tried to fill her silence with his pointless chatter but she said nothing. She merely persisted on the staring and it was unnerving for him. Watanuki had to excuse himself a few times in her presence to pretend he is doing something in the kitchen. Afterwards he had to bring her at least two bottles of sake for her to start acting like a normal drunkard again. Eventually, she did after much encouraging and she ended up singing some song with Mokona and the girls.

Watanuki watched her the entire time, enamored by how beautiful she really is in one of her damnable loose kimonos that hang in a manner that's disconcertingly seductive on her willowy, pale body. He never looked at Yuuko that way before, never even entertained the thought that she's a desirable woman and he is a young man on puberty until that night. Doing so made him feel somewhat dirty and sinful. Yuuko was a mother to him in many ways, even in ways he hated her for. He shouldn't look at her with such disrespectful longing. Watanuki turned away just in time before Yuuko saw the look of shame in his face that night. Watanuki went home feeling unusually empty later. He walked the streets with Mugetsu wrapped around his neck and felt very cold.

He blamed Doumeki for these absurd and obscene thoughts about Yuuko. Sex has occupied Watanuki's mind all because of Doumeki. It's a wonder Watanuki didn't start salivating around Himawari during lunch breaks, given that sometimes she would get too close and bump arms with him, which he had to admit made him want to seize her and... _oh, fuck it. Fuck you, Doumeki. This is all because of you!_ Now that goddamn idiot will be punished severely for it. Watanuki could think of many ways to do so.

He got inside the shop but found Yuuko was not there. There was no note or an explanation from either Mokona or the girls. Watanuki fixed a few things in the kitchen before he decided to leave, wondering the entire way to Doumeki's temple where Yuuko had gone.

 

 

**xXx**

 

Watanuki looked absolutely miserable as he began sewing back the buttons in Doumeki's collar. He bit on his lower lip now and again as he sat across Doumeki who was finishing up tonight's dinner. The other boy in question watched him in silence, his usually loud chewing now completely audible inside the empty and narrow space of the family library. Watanuki glanced at him sharply and almost hissed. "Would you please just close your mouth and chew quietly? You're not a rabid animal, are you?" He huffed and turned his attention back to his sewing, muttering a few more profanities under his breath. He was still preoccupied about Yuuko's unannounced disappearance earlier. Something about it made him angry somehow. Why didn't she say anything or leave him a note at least? It's just not like her to disappear without informing her whereabouts in advance. Watanuki pulled the thread tighter than he would have liked, tightening the stitch around the lone button as if he was trying to strangle it with a noose.

His thoughts now turned back to Doumeki. Regardless of how things between them have escalated, with the addition of a disturbingly sexual element into play, Doumeki still rubbed him the wrong way. He still got into his nerves, driving him just a little crazy for all the inconspicuous yet annoying habits he has. This should have made it impossible for Watanuki to desire for a more carnal encounter with the offensive boy in question, but apparently the insistent itch only worsens especially when Doumeki is sitting idly just right across him, chewing so noisily without consideration, and only wearing a sleeveless white shirt.

The last part made Watanuki squirm in his seat. It wasn't enough that the other boy is insolent with his snide comments, and aggravatingly apathetic in demeanor; now he had to look that goddamn hot while half-dressed. Watanuki gritted his teeth and kept sewing, forcing his eyes to stay on course, chasing the stitching he's been working on with extreme focus, refusing to be tempted by the ridiculous instinct to take another peek at the other man. _Wait, another?_ Watanuki slowly moved his eyes across the other side where Doumeki was sitting but kept his head still so not to betray the horrific thing he is doing.

"Oi," the idiot incarante called out. "I know you're watching me."

"Fuck you," Watanuki shot back but he was honestly exhausted of this repetitive cycle of verbal abuse (mostly on his part). The tumultuous amount of conflicting emotions he has been having since this disaster started was reaching its limits. He had to bottle them all up or they may just burst inappropriately.

The smirk on Doumeki's face was a real punch in the gut for him though. "I thought we already agreed who's fucking who."

Watanuki let go of the needle and the black uniform first before shoving them aside. Without warning, he grabbed Doumeki literally by the neck and pulled him closer to his body, not afraid of the rush he just got by almost choking him, not denying that in that brief moment when Doumeki's eyes widened as he let out a grunt, Watanuki actually got very turned on. He loosened his grip and tried to breathe normally again. A few seconds passed before he let the other boy go.

His arms hanging limply on his side, Watanuki muttered an apology. "Sorry. I don't know what came over me. It's just--you just really irritate me. I don't know why that keeps happening. I mean, for what it's worth I should feel a tiny bit affectionate toward you. We've already figured out that we're going to be more than platonic now. But when you're around I just want to…" he paused, weighing his words. "I just want to hurt you a bit, roughen you up. Shit, that sounds bad."

Doumeki listened patiently as he rubbed his hand around his neck to ease the pressure from Watanuki's vice grip earlier. He coughed a little as he thought about what to say. There was a part of him that should be scared or mad that another person wants to abuse him especially when it's being openly admitted like that. But the other person in question is Watanuki and Doumeki trusts him, cherishes him…is in love with him. He doesn't fear what bad things could happen as long as Watanuki needs him and Doumeki can save him...in any little way even if it meant fulfilling some uncomfortable requests.

"Oi," he starts as he edged closer to Watanuki, placing a hand under his chin to make him look at him. "So you're a sadist. That's okay too. Just give me a heads-up next time and then I will permit you to do whatever you want with me…with my body." To show proof, he takes Watanuki's hand and places it on his hardening crotch, sealing his palm there.

Watanuki let out a soft growl the moment his hand made contact and for a dangerous moment he was going to pull away but then found himself caressing the bulge instead as it slowly but surely stiffens the more his hand coaxed. Doumeki was leaning his forehead against his now and the look of utter helplessness and surrender behind those usually steady eyes made Watanuki squeeze him harder in his crotch. 

"You know..." Watanuki whispered, eyes boring deeply into Doumeki's, "you have been so insolent these past few days. I think you ought to be taught a lesson."

Doumeki's eyes flashed in alertness. "A lesson?" His own hand found its way to Watanuki's crotch.

The slap came out of nowhere. Doumeki touched his cheek where the blow made it sting. He openly stared at Watanuki who had moved away from him and was now just watching him, devoid of any compassion in his face. He merely said. "Pay attention, Doumeki. Put your hands together."

Doumeki did and that's when Watanuki was coming closer to him again. He lifted himself just enough so he can sit on Doumeki's lap. Watanuki pushed on his shoulders hard so that Doumeki could lean back slightly, providing some more space and access to his long, lithe body for Watanuki to crawl into. With a satisfied smirk, Watanuki tested the proximity by rocking his hips gently which caused Doumeki to grip his hips. The second slap came just as harsh as the first one. Doumeki almost looked angry but Watanuki kissed the red mark on his cheek, giving it a tentative lick.

"Hands together," Watanuki commanded, breathing hard onto Doumeki's neck as he began to explore it with his teeth and tongue. Doumeki's eyes drifted close as he gave in to the multiple glorious sensations, torn between the pleasurable shocks of Watanuki grinding steadily yet gently against him, and the welcome heat and wetness of his mouth on his throat. Doumeki squeezed his eyes shut and balled his hands into fists, saying nothing, admitting defeat and subjugation. 

Watanuki pulled away to peer at Doumeki's face. He was pleased by the compliance and decided to reward the other boy with a searing kiss on the mouth, breathing him in, tasting every corner, with hands wrapped around Doumeki's neck, his fingers compressing around the flesh every once in a while. Watanuki nibbled on his lower lip and then sucked on Doumeki's tongue as the tempo of his hips rocking against Doumeki's crumpled form increased in speed. Doumeki didn't dare try touching Watanuki especially after Watanuki took both his wrists and pinned him down on the ground. With one  knee, Watanuki forced Doumeki's legs open, teasing his erection from its prison of clothing which made Doumeki whimper in spite of himself. Watanuki enjoyed that and then he latched his own thighs around one of Doumeki's legs so he can keep grinding down against it. Doumeki wrapped his free leg around Watanuki's hip, circling it on the small space of his back, and returned the same amount of desperate motions as they moved back and forth together. Watanuki lifted himself up just a bit so he can stare at Doumeki better in this position as he smiled rather crudely at him, knowing he is the one in control. He asked, "You see this?"

Doumeki's eyes narrowed, barely able to focus as he grinded back against the heavy body on top of him, panting heavily as he listened.

"This," Watanuki continued, eyes etched with something akin to madness as he punctured each word with a thrust. "This--is--how--I'm--going--to--fuck--you."

With that declaration, Doumeki shut his eyes, hitting his head against the wooden floor, groaning as his orgasm overtook him. Watanuki tightened his grip on Doumeki's wrists as he kept the unrelenting pace for a few more thrusts before he was finished himself, his muscles aching where he locked limbs with Doumeki. Watanuki had bitten his lower lip hard enough for it to bleed, and he collapsed completely afterwards, letting his entire weight rest on the other boy beneath him. Covered in sweat, their pants and undergarments drenched in their come, neither of them moved for a whole minute as they tried to breathe better.

"We should..." Doumeki's voice was hoarse as he spoke slowly. "...just sleep now."

"Don't be..." Watanuki answered in the same manner, "...a fucking animal. We need...to clean up."

"Then get up. Get off me," Doumeki raised a limp arm to slap Watanuki on the back but he only managed to place it at the back of Watanuki's head. He used it as leverage to pull the other boy into a kiss. Watanuki barely resisted, curling his tongue around Doumeki's languidly as he moaned into their mouths.

He pulled away a few minutes after and willed the last amount of strength that he has on his body to get off Doumeki's. Once he landed on the ground next to the other boy, he stared into the ceiling with his fogged-up glasses sticking into his face due to moist and humidity. Watanuki blinked several times as he realized that the room is much darker now and when he moved his head to the side to peer through a window, he realized that the sun has disappeared completely from the horizon. He let out a sigh of frustration, refusing to move from his place even though the logical part of his brain knew he had to clean himself up.

"Oi," Doumeki breathed out the annoying syllable beside him.

"You will refer to me from this point on as Watanuki-sama, you dumb oaf." Even arguing is exhausting.

Doumeki turned his body to face Watanuki. He was breathing just as heavily an he placed a hand on Watanuki's chest, rubbing it tenderly on the spot where his heart must have been. Thinking of that, Watanuki could feel his cheeks flush in embarrassment so he tried to slap the hand away but ended up resting his on top of Doumeki's instead. They just lay there listening to their own breathing and to the shameful way Watanuki's heartbeat responded underneath Doumeki's touch. Watanuki prayed to every god that Doumeki didn't notice. The other boy, however, was far too busy leaning in for another kiss to care, and Watanuki accepted the invitation of his lips, the gentle coaxing of the tip of his tongue, the tangled way their fingers grasp on one another as Doumeki sealed the distance between them.

 

**xXx**

 

The next day, Watanuki was relieved to see that Yuuko was back in her usual place inside the main quarters. He slid the doors open with a wide grin which slowly disappeared when he realized that Yuuko was watching him, waiting for him all this time. The relief was suddenly replaced by dread. The room seemed colder, bigger and more likely to swallow him up.

"Hello, Watanuki," she greeted him without any warmth, lowering her gaze as she did.

Watanuki nervously took a few steps forward and then stopped ten feet away from her. "Hello."

"Try not to look so glum," she looked up and scolded him lightly. She let out a small, mirthless chuckle. "Now, ask what you must. We know why you decided to come here when you could have just gone straight to your boyfriend's place."

"He's not--!" Watanuki's protestation echoed around the spacious room. He lowered his voice and replied, "I don't call him that."

Yuuko just smiled as she filled up her smoke-pipe with opiates. 

Watanuki tried again. "I don't know what to call him...or us."

She took a puff from her pipe and said nothing.

"Well, I guess we're more than friends now...all things considered--with the--" Watanuki cut himself off short when he realized what he was about to reveal in her presence. He cleared his throat, trying again for another way to explain it. He ended up snorting derisively. "It's not like I thought of him as a friend to begin with though." He gave up and decided to just sit down, crossing his legs in front of him. "Listen, Yuuko-san, I just don't know what to think about him now."

Yuuko breathed out, smoke filling up the rest of her shared space. "And," she began. "How to feel about him, yes?"

Watanuki blinked, his heartbeat thundering in his ears. He knew he should have said nothing from the beginning but Watanuki wanted to understand further, and Yuuko had always helped enlighten him on things that would have remained in the dark otherwise. So, he asked her about Doumeki; about the frightening pull of the inevitable making itself fully known between them each time they would share a kiss and many other honest moments when secrets no longer exist.

"Would you believe me if I tell you that we had the same conversation before," Yuuko chose to insert a dramatic pause here before she continued on, "…in another world?" Her eyes lingered on Watanuki, the probing depths of their crimson shade enslaving him.

If it was any other person, Watanuki would dismiss such a phrase as nothing more than a hyperbolic declaration, but since it came from Yuuko's lips, it was enough to drive him into yet another one of their horrible cycles of the tedious questions-and-answers. The basic cycle was inelegantly simple. First, there was mistrust and doubt on his part, the questioner; an appeal for an explanation borne out of general curiosity and phoned-in courtesy.

"What do you mean the same conversation? And in another world?" Watanuki had to specify the questions because like most things with Yuuko, clear objectives must be put forth to avoid any more vagueness, never mind that Yuuko will still find a way to curtail her responses in an effortless evasiveness.

She performed this trick right now when she answered, "There are worlds like ours that function according to certain choices. All these worlds have moments where you and I discussed this but how the conversation proceeds and what you decide after the talk takes place are countless variables. Here in this world, in this room, we discuss about you and Doumeki, and then you make a choice. What your choice here differs in your choice in another world, and another, and another.." she takes a prolonged puff from her pipe and then she released it just as slowly, the smoke now floating above her head, "…and another, and so forth."

Watanuki's eyebrows furrowed together. Now comes the incomprehension. "I don't think I follow."

Yuuko was patient. She was never not patient. "In other worlds," she continued, "you and Doumeki inevitably reach a point, one that breaks and alters the shape of your relationship. When this happens, you make a choice and you both live with the results." Yuuko now leaned in, and he swore he felt her phantom fingers curling under his chin, a gesture to either hold or let him go or both. "Whatever it is, know that it was always going to happen. You and Doumeki. The breaking point. You were always meant to choose for both of you. And whatever that choice is will dictate how you will live your lives in the next few decades or so." She pulled her hand away to rest the knuckles on her cheek as she tilted her head to the side, her arm bent by the elbow at the crook of the sofa. She gazed continually at Watanuki, waiting.

"And if I don't choose?" Now comes the devil's advocate.

And her ready retort: "Inaction is the most damning choice of all." Yuuko clicked her tongue once at him. "And a really ugly habit. So don't start with that now. It'd be impossible to break."

Watanuki's next stage of the cycle is mild irritation. "So…the other worlds are hypotheticals only? They just exist in metaphysical level?"

He felt ridiculous just saying these words but Yuuko answered without actually answering again. "In one world, you danced with Himawari Kunogi. You held her close and kissed her for the first and last time."

Before Watanuki could manage an appropriate response to that, Yuuko went on. "In another world, you reject the idea of being with Doumeki two times and the only time you regretted it was when he offered it to someone else."

"W-Wha--?"

Yuuko kept talking as she tapped her now empty pipe on her knee. "In another one, you wear my kimonos."

Now that was too much. "Gross, why would I even put on your kimonos, Yuuko-san?! I'm not a crossdresser!"

With Watanuki blushing furiously, Yuuko didn't look the least bit unnerved. She just smiled in that cool, often depressing way she did, and added. "In that world, there is a desired loss of all feeling, a nothingness to it all. Or at least that's what you will tell yourself."

"Please," Watanuki's voice was a soft plea. She's rambling about strange things he knows enough to never know. "Enough."

Yuuko stretched the rest of her body upwards like a serpent slowly rising from the hidden blades of grass where she lay dormant but fully awake. She was standing now, the large folds of her kimono cascading across her tall figure. Watanuki gazed up almost helplessly at her, bewildered. She was speaking in a quiter tone. "I read once in a curious English graphic novel written by a more curious English writer that we have worlds inside us that can hold gods and devils, oceans and stars. We can sustain all their weight. That's how massive and limitless we are capable of being."

She raised her arms to look at her palms this time. She was barely addressing him now. "And yet we waste our miraculous containers by choosing to keep instead little broken things, these sad trinkets that we play with over and over. The writer said that something turns our key and we just play the same tune again and again; and that we think the tune is all we are." Eyes closed, she smiled as if all she wanted to do instead is cry. 

Watanuki wanted to reach out, to touch her, shake her, tell her she has a reason to stay here, to please,  _please_  don't leave him--

But then Yuuko looked at him again. "So, give yourself to the worlds inside you that you have yet to claim," she walked towards him now in a languid pace. The distance between them was short but she made it look as if she had been far away from him all this time. It was only when she was bending down with her fingertips grazing his chin that he realized that this is as close as they could ever be. "Give yourself to them," she almost whispered as she leaned her face close to his, her left hand cupping his chin lightly, completely imprisoning him with her bare scrutiny.

"Give yourself and leave nothing behind..."

 

**xXx**

 

  
Doumeki sensed that something was wrong about yesterday but like with most things about Watanuki, he learned not to push it. His relationship with Watanuki may have changed since they admitted they want to be with each other sexually but it doesn't mean Watanuki has a better perspective on how he really feels about things. One thing that bothered Doumeki since meeting Watanuki is the boy's inclination to self-harm, not just through recklessly putting himself in dangerous situations, but through expertly denying the basic things he needed most like companionship, small joys and personal victories. He has never met anyone like Watanuki who insisted that he doesn't deserve to be happy whether he would admit it or not. It's as if he believed himself to be an anomaly of some sort, a mistake, something that shouldn't have been born, and thereofore couldn't possibly find a reason to be happy...to stay, to exist--

\--to live.

And Doumeki wanted to give him any kind of reason, hoping one would be enough to make Watanuki realize he isn't alone; that he was never alone. He should never, ever be alone.

Somewhere along the way, Doumeki got far too involved than he is comfortable with, and he was okay with that. He wondered for a very long time why he was okay with it; why it's so easy to make a choice for Watanuki's sake, whether that choice meant losing parts of himself or not. It really didn't matter to Doumeki. He would do anything to keep Watanuki safe especially from himself. He didn't understand how he could be so devoted to someone who has done nothing but belittle and push him away every single chance he got but knowing Watanuki far better than anyone else meant that he understood the subtleties in his actions, those unspoken sentiments, those secret wishes. He knew Watanuki cared about him in some way but was so crippled by his fears of rejection and other insecurities that he would rather have Doumeki believe he is despicable and a nuisance than admit that he is thankful that Doumeki has chosen to be his friend.

It was predictable for a while. Doumeki did his part and Watanuki continued to disregard their developing bond. Doumeki was perfectly happy with that arrangment until, of course, Watanuki did something incomprehensible that made Doumeki question exactly how he himself felt for the other boy. And, of course, the answer revealed itself through one, perfect kiss. That day, inside the old family library, Watanuki got close to him in a way he never expected, in a level that took him by complete surprise. He never realized how much he wanted Watanuki in every soul-crushing way possible, and it reignited Doumeki's determination, giving him a new purpose, in making sure Watanuki knew that he could have everything only if he asked it--especially from Doumeki.

Tonight, here in his bedroom, Watanuki's hands roamed freely and with great abandon across his body, unbuttoning his clothes, stripping him off, taking everything away, and Doumeki kissed him as deeply as he could, and it suddenly hurt everywhere until Watanuki would touch a part of him and cause the pain to ebb away. A string of unexplored feelings spun so tightly around them that neither of them could breathe well. Doumeki only focused on Watanuki's fingers, his scent, his mouth, the taste of what could be, and the promise of what is to come mingling in the many shocks of pleasure felt on his spine and traveling right down to his toes.

 _He's yours, yours, yours_ , Watanuki's mind whispered in a tone of almost sickening joy as he lowered Doumeki to the awaiting bed beneath them. He wrapped himself and the other boy into a cocoon and dreaded ever letting go. "I want you," Watanuki almost choked on his own breath as he admitted the words. "I want all of you and I want all that to be mine." In the semi-darkness of the room, he looked into Doumeki's eyes and hated the way they lit up as soon as he said those words. It made him feel miserable all at once.

He had to pull away. Doumeki followed, sitting up, looking confused and a little hurt.

"But I," Watanuki swallowed and then tried again. "I don't like that you're so compliant about all this. Why are you so resolute about giving me everything each time an opportunity for sacrifice presents itself anyway?" Oh no, he doesn't understand why he's choosing this moment to start an argument. He should shut his mouth. BE QUIET! He told himself but somehow his brain couldn't process the command and he kept talking. "It doesn't make sense. What if I could never give you an equal exchange for that? What if all of this, whatever is between us, is never going to be enough?" BE QUIET, WATANUKI!

"Shut up," Doumeki squeezed his eyes close. Not this again. He thought being intimate with Watanuki in this way would mean that the other boy will finally trust him. All he ever wanted was to be his friend. No, he had always wished for more. He wished Watanuki would...what?

But Watanuki was getting angry at him again. "Don't tell me to shut up, idiot!"

"You're the idiot for not understanding any of this." Doumeki answered as he stood up and then turned his back away from him.

"Fuck off!" Watanuki was out of the bed then, and grabbed his arm to force him to look at him again. With words failing both of them, Watanuki apparently decided to just kiss him hard instead, latching onto his mouth without preamble or tenderness. Doumeki didn't resist, allowing for the moment to last a minute longer before he decided there was something that they needed to clear up first.

"Listen, Watanuki," Doumeki pulled back, taking both of Watanuki's hands by grabbing his wrists. He held his gaze as bravely as he could as he explained. "There is no reason to keep score because people don't do that when they're in love."

... **love**. That was it. He wanted Watanuki _to love him_   _back._

And there it was. Watanuki felt his entire body go numb. The worst part was that Doumeki saw the hesitation, the question in his eyes and it became devastating for the both of them. Suddenly it was hard to breathe. Watanuki pulled away first.

Quietly, he said. "I'm not sure I'm in love with you."

Doumeki was prepared to hear that. It was only a few days ago after all when he realized that he had been in love with Watanuki for a while. So he answered him. "And it's okay. This isn't really about that."

"What do you mean it isn't?" Watanuki looked at him suspiciously. The next question out of his mouth sounded naive but terribly honest just the same. "How is sex not about love?"

Doumeki was getting nervous. "Well, there are many ways to look at it culturally and scientifically--"

"If you start intellectualizing this, I am going to walk out of this room, Doumeki."

"I think both of them can mean a lot of things," Doumeki went on, still a little unsure. "Sex can mean procreation or recreation. Love can mean momentary companionship or lifelong commitment. One can be without the other very easily. It's actually when you're not clear on the definitions of both things separately that when you combine them and fail to communicate how you perceive them with another person that you get a mixed signal and cause hurt feelings along the way."

Now Watanuki was chuckling at him but there was a dead serious look in those inquisitive mismatched eyes as he replied. "Is this how you really talk when having an adult conversation with someone? You sound both clinical and philosophical, Doumeki-sensei. You're almost as bad as Yuuko..." he drifted off as he busied himself tugging at the hem of Doumeki's sleeveless shirt.

"And what do you think about all this?" Doumeki inquired. "You're the one who asked me in the first place. First, you tell me you want to have sex with me. Then, you ask me how can sex be devoid of love. I want to make sense of this too. So what is it that you want, Watanuki? A passing experience? A chance to be physically close to someone because you've never had that before? What?"

Doumeki didn't realize how frustrating this is making him feel until they are finally talking about it.

"You," Watanuki spoke up, his tone morose and tired. "I want you. I don't need an explanation that makes sense or an insight that enlightens. I just want you."

Doumeki let out a sigh. His voice shook when he asked, "For sex?"

"Yes," Watanuki closed his eyes, his face flushed. "But also, because, more than anything, I'm afraid."

"Of disappearing for good?" Doumeki placed a hand on his cheek.

"And losing you forever," Watanuki finished. He opened his eyes. "That day when you…murdered her…" he meant the spirit woman who reminded him what it was like to have a mother, "…I was so ready to hate you, to tell you off and be rid of you. But then Yuuko said it was a difficult choice for you, knowing what was coming if you made it--the consequence--making me hate you. But you made it anyway."

"I didn't…" Doumeki interjected but can't find his voice.

Watanuki finished for him. "…didn't want me to disappear. I got so angry about that, by the way . I think I must have cried for a good five minutes and Yuuko just let me. Even knowing then how you cared about me, I still didn't feel any differently about you, though. I still hate it when you hang around my lunch breaks with Himawari. I still hate your ridiculous demands for food. I'm still annoyed by you. But, really, I was only convincing myself that nothing has changed."

Doumeki just nodded and looked away, unable to maintain the eye contact. It's almost painful to keep staring into Watanuki's eyes and see the truth for himself.

"Do you understand, Doumeki?" Watanuki tried to get him to look back so he cupped his cheeks and said. "I should have known…I think a part of me has, since that day, that you love me…that you may even be in love with me. And I was scared shitless to say or do anything about it. It's not because I can't see myself ever falling in love with you…it's that I might be capable of it after all."

Doumeki blinked several times at Watanuki before he asked. "But you just said--"

"I know what I said!" Watanuki let him go and sighed in frustration. "I'm asking you for sex and here you are offering up love and I'm telling you I'm not sure. So I'm keeping score because it protects me from knowing an absolute. I'm walking over a tightrope in a gray area because it's the safest option for me. But you! God, when do you ever play safe? I hate you for that, you know. I just envy it!"

Doumeki was still baffled. He swallowed the lump on his throat and couldn't stop himself from asking, "So are you or are you not?"

"You goddamn moron," Watanuki hit him with his discarded black uniform from earlier. "I said I'm not sure, okay?!"

He sat back down the bed, exhausted and in agony. He covered his face with his hands and tried to regain some sense of balance.

Doumeki could hear himself calling out the other boy's name. His first name. But Watanuki still wouldn't look up.

"Please," Doumeki tried again. "Just tell me. Even if it's only for tonight...what do you want?"

"I want…" Watanuki looked at his palms, evading Doumeki's gaze. He sighed and looked at the ceiling instead. After a few more seconds, he met Doumeki's eyes and laughed, almost crazily, in disbelie and fear. "I want to give myself to you, Shizuka," he finished.

Doumeki nodded once, refusing to speak up in case he might say something wrong to screw this up. He simply offered his open arms but Watanuki shook his head at that.

"No," Watanuki leaned back until he was finally lying on the bed. "Come here."

Taking his time, Doumeki approached him and slowly bent down until he was on top of Watanuki, his knees apart and on either side of Watanuki's waist while his hands are resting on the futon, with Watanuki's head between them. He adjusted his torso to fit snugly on the other boy's and the momentary contact of their groins surged enough electricity between them to make Doumeki jolt. Watanuki chuckled at that as he reached his hand to run his fingers through Doumeki's hair, soothing him. His other hand was on Doumeki's back, his fingertips ghosting over his spine. Doumeki pulled one hand away to place it between Watanuki's thighs and when Watanuki didn't protest, he took hold of his erection and gently rubbed his thumb on the tip. Watanuki moaned in surprise but didn't push him off. His hips began to move in a lazy, unsure rhythm but Doumeki didn't respond to it, intent on carressing his length to alertness first.

Watanuki closed his eyes and breathed out. "The essentials?"

For a while, Doumeki didn't know what he was talking about. And then he remembered the condoms and the bottle of oil near the bed. He hated those brief intervals of moving his body away from the warmth of Watanuki's as he took those things from the corner. And then he heard Watanuki speak up again.

"I just need the lubrication, please."

Doumeki snapped his head towards the other boy's direction. "Are you sure?"

Watanuki must have rolled his eyes, it's hard to say, but the tone in his speech was a tad bit scathing. "Yes, just the fucking lube, okay?"

"Why just that?" Doumeki somewhat knew the answer but didn't want to fool himself to think that it was the right one.

Watanuki shot him an angry look which softened into embarrassment as he replied in a lowly voice. "I don't want any barricade between us tonight. I want...all of it. I want to feel it. I want to feel you..." he turned his head away as he finished. "...fill me up."

Doumeki almost dropped the bottle of oil as he tried to figure out how he should react to that statement. His neck feels hot. His chest feels like it was going to cave into itself. And his cock is starting to hurt and it got much harder when Watanuki described the detail in which he wants to be taken tonight.

"You shouldn't..." he began but lost his train of thought as soon as he began to apply the oil on his fingers. He moved back closer to Watanuki to prepare his passage, inserting one finger tentatively at first, and then waiting for Watanuki's instructions whether he could add another digit or not.

It took them five minutes. Watanuki insisted that he used three fingers to stretch him and Doumeki obeyed even though he was scared it would hurt Watanuki. But the other boy was writhing on the sheets in sheer pleasure and not pain and Doumeki couldn't take it any longer so he focused on calming his nerves. He was about to start meditating just to prolong himself when he heard Watanuki urge him to get on top of him, bony fingers searching for him in the darkness.

It was Watanuki who guided his cock inside, sliding his fingers on his shaft a few times first, murmuring something under his breath which Doumeki was about to ask what, but then he found himself sinking into Watanuki all of a sudden and he had to struggle not to come right there and then due to the slick tightness swallowing him. Doumeki gripped into the sheets and panted, already out of breath. Watanuki whispered something to him again and he opened his eyes to inquire. His temples were already sweating and as he peered into Watanuki beneath him, he saw the sharp edge of his glare as he repeated his command.

"I said, start fucking me or I'll switch our positions and fuck you instead!"

Doumeki stayed still for a second. And another. Watanuki grimaced and opened his mouth again and that was when Doumeki pulled out slightly and then slammed back hard into him. Watanuki gasped out and immediately tightened his legs around Doumeki's hips, wrapping them more in shock than because of conscious decision. The other boy pulled back again and moved forward, back, and forward again, with each thrust getting more vicious than the last. Doumeki's hands found their way on Watanuki's hair, clutching him there as he pounded into Watanuki underneath him in an unrelenting rhythm, causing Watanuki to suddenly want to punch him in the face because it felt horrible and absolutely mouth-watering that Doumeki is fucking him like this, turning the rest of his body rubbery and his mind into mush. His stomach coiled as a pool of heat nestled there and he realized it was his untouched erection being squeezed between them. Watanuki reached down to relieve its agony, tugging on his cock in time with Doumeki's thrusts. The sporadic movement of their hips hardly made any elegant sense as they panted into each other's mouths, hoping for a way to kiss each other if it wasn't for the fact that Doumeki couldn't and wouldn't allow himself a pause to achieve that.

Pissed off, Watanuki grabbed Doumeki's head to keep him steady so he can plant a searing kiss on his mouth and bite onto his lip. He tried to put his tongue in but Doumeki shook him off and buried himself on Watanuki's shoulder instead as he continued to tirelessly fuck him. Watanuki was a little offended but couldn't complain, not when he's openly enjoying every inch of Doumeki's cock sliding in and out of him as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Watanuki had to speak though because he really wanted to taste Doumeki's mouth on his. "Idiot," he rasped out. "I want to...dammit, would you look at me!"

Doumeki pulled himself up from where he was hiding and he met Watanuki's gaze. The lust in those eyes overwhelmed Watanuki, making him act rashly himself as he reached up and crushed their mouths together. He took Doumeki's tongue between his lips and sucked on it, torn between what he should enjoy more; the slick ligament he caught in his mouth or the hard length penetrating him below, making his entire body shake violently as Doumeki pounded him flat on the mattress. Watanuki was sure he just came, judging by the spray of something sticky on their stomachs and chests. A few more desperate thrusts and Doumeki had buried himself as deep in his ass as he could go, filling Watanuki to the brim, coming inside him.

Watanuki whimpered and then gasped out. "Goddamn--" he bit on his lower lip, causing it to bleed again. "--damn you!"

"Sure..." Doumeki trailed off as he collapsed heavily on top of Watanuki. After a few moments, he took out his his softening cock, slick with oil and come. Watanuki pushed him off deliberately and Doumeki was far too tired to do anything else but let himself fall on the side of the bed next to Watanuki. The aftermath is familiar all of a sudden. Wasn't it just yesterday that they ended up in a horrid mess of euphoria and hormones, unable to speak for another hour or so?

Watanuki felt himself oddly stretched in all the wrong places while his backside throbbed, still reeling from the sticky remnants that were left from Doumeki's length. His hand found its way on Doumeki's chest, hoping to punch him for being so rough about the deed earlier, although it was exactly the kind of brute force that Watanuki wanted to be taken, so he was just being a little hypocritical about his complaints, not like there were really any to begin with.

But instead of a punch, Watanuki just moved closer while his hand reached for Doumeki. The other boy found him and locked him inside his own arms.

"This shouldn't have happened, you know," Watanuki whispered between shortened breaths. "I shouldn't feel like I'm owed this."

"Owed what?" Doumeki asked, one hand on Watanuki's hair, the other on his chest, fingertips probing around as if tracing an invisible scar there.

"I don't know," Watanuki answered honestly. "Just... _owed_."

"Okay."

Another pause of contemplative silence followed until they fully recovered their normal breathing. And then Watanuki spoke up. "I spoke to Yuuko-san about us."

"You were open about our...affair?"

"Gross," Watanuki definitely tried to punch him now but missed. "No, just...what we have. Whatever it is. And you know what she said?"

Doumeki moved his head to indicate that he's listening to what he will say next.

"She said there are other worlds where this was always going to happen."

"That makes me happy," Doumeki replied readily. "That means there are other versions where we both get laid together."

"Be serious, you stupid asshole!"

Doumeki chuckled as he held Watanuki closer, his eyes drifting close as he tried to listen for the union of their heartbeats again here in the dark, shielded away from the rest.

Watanuki was quiet for a while before he explained. "In all those other worlds, I think you loved me too. And in a way, I think I must have loved you back. But I said nothing--did nothing." He sniffed and Doumeki was afraid that he might be crying.

"Why do you think so?" his voice shook when he asked, betraying the fact that he could start crying too.

"I don't know. I'll never know. And it doesn't matter because right now, in this world, I'm still here. With you." Watanuki snuggled closer, turning his body to face Doumeki's. He reached up and kissed him softly on the lips. "And I have no plans on disappearing on you or anyone else ever again."

"Good." Doumeki didn't dare open his eyes anymore. He just talked, hoping his next words have enough meaning and gravity in them, like a wish spoken aloud and can become true. "Let's always find a way together, okay? Promise me."

"I promise," Watanuki placed his hand on the side of Doumeki's face and also closed his eyes, his breath ghosting over Doumeki's lips as he wished with all his heart that this time he actually means it now. "It's okay, Doumeki. I'm here to stay."

 

 

 

 

 

**THE END**

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The other worlds I referenced in this piece are my three stories in the **Snapshots** collection namely [_Quiet_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4518942) in which Watanuki commits inaction; [_Treat me like a stolen glance_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4550508) with Himawari; and [_Frequency_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4518810) where things get darker for Watanuki as he clings onto the memory of Yuuko. Feel free to check them out :)
> 
> Also, the English writer and graphic novel Yuuko quotes from is Grant Morrison and his work, [_The Invisibles_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Invisibles)


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